How do you teach a cat a human language, you ask? I'm glad you did. You see, what you do is you use the same phrase every time for the same thing. "Time for supper," for example. And you use lots of phrases. "Want to help me clean up?" after I come in all sweaty from walking in the morning. "Anybody want to help me take a bath?" which used to get Thimble into the bathroom, all excited, when he was a kitten, but now it gets me a bored look from everybody. Thimble decided playing in the damp tub after I'd finished my shower was not worth the time it took to get his fur dry afterwards. I teach time by saying "I'll be back in an hour" every morning when I head out on my walk, which takes an hour. As they get older I've added more complex combinations.
Still, it always takes me by surprise how much they know, and what they then do with it.
Consider the following two phrases, said at different times on different days. "I'm sorry, I'm just so tired." (After not being able to pet them sufficiently or play with them enough.) And, "Okay, guys, I need you to help me get to bed early so I can sleep more. Maybe that will help me be less tired."
Amazingly, this last phrase actually works: they do their best to keep me moving through the after-work chores until I'm in bed and not let me stop and play on the phone or worse, nap on the floor.
However, I was not expecting them to put those two phrases together, figure out that making me stay in bed would make me less tired, and then try (twice!) to make me not get up in the morning.
The first time, I woke up with Colby stretched along one side and Thimble along the other side. Unfortunately for their plans, I can still lift and move a sixteen pound cat (Colby) so I can get out of bed. It is unusual for Colby to be on the bed with me, but not unheard of; it is highly unusual for Thimble to be on the bed instead of the headboard.
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| Far left: Colby's ear and front leg sticking out; Middle: Colby's back leg and Thimble's face in Colby's black tail, Far Right: middle of Thimble. (I sleep on my side, thus the curve in the lineup.) |
The next time, about a week later, I woke up with both cats on one side, the side of the bed I have always gotten out of. Colby was stretched from my shoulder to my waist, and Thimble had his head resting on Colby's hip and was stretched from my waist to my knees. They were on top of the covers, leaning against me, and I was underneath the covers. This arrangement of cat-to-human actually worked, in that I could not get out of that side of the bed. I was rather impressed by their ingenuity, actually.
But I couldn't call my boss and explain that I couldn't come to work because my cats had me pinned in bed. I don't believe she'd understand that to be a legitimate excuse!
So, reluctantly, I slipped out the other side of the bed. I looked back, and both of them were giving me indignant glares.
They haven't tried it since. I guess they gave up. For now.
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